Politicians should have two terms – one in office and the other in prison!  More…..

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably very cross.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingling little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.

6. I don’t like making plans for the day because the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in court.

7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

8. I decided to stop calling the bathroom “the John” and rename it “the Jim.” I feel much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning.”

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?

Thanks and a hat tip to Ileana Warden